MY BATTLE WITH POSTNATAL DEPRESSION
I was smiling as I was being wheeled out of the theatre. I can never forget that moment my entire life. My smiles were so contagious that everyone in the hallway started laughing.
My husband saw me and was overwhelmed with joy. I asked him about my mum, and he told me she was with my baby at the labour ward; they were actually cleaning him up and ensuring that he was very okay before releasing him completely to us. I asked him if he had seen our son, but he said to me, “I didn’t want to see him until I had seen you, now I can go and see what he looks like”
We stayed three more days at the hospital and we were discharged to go home.
This was where my battle with depression began.
As we got back home, we prayed, but all through the prayers, I was crying nonstop. My husband and my mom probably thought they were tears of joy but I tell you it was way deeper than that. It was mixed emotions; happiness, anger, sadness, pain and disappointment all rushing in at once.
In the following days and weeks, and even months, I found it extremely HARD to pray. I could not just pray. Why would I pray to a God who left me when I needed him the most? Why should I pray to him when I’m not even sure He has returned from his trip? How can I ever trust Him again? Or have you ever seen two people in a relationship with at least some level of trust? If you have, then it means they must be living in pretence and I tell you from my heart, this life is too short to live a lie. Our relationship can no longer work! I concluded. I wanted out, and in my heart, I quit the relationship but nobody knew.
You know the biblical statement that says as a man thinketh in his heart, So he is? Yes, that statement is real. All those thoughts began to eat me up daily. And soon, I became an extremely ungrateful person. I was ungrateful even to my mom who left behind her business and husband just to come take care of us. Kai..it was that bad. I would complain about every single thing she did. My ingratitude began to rub off on my relationship with those around me; those I love.
Testimony time in the church became my worst nightmare. Because, almost every Sunday, one woman or the other comes for baby dedication, thanking God for a safe delivery. The testimonies often went like this:
Woman: “Brethren, Praiiiiiiiissssseee the Lord!
Woman: I say prai….prai…prai………..se the ‘Lordu’!
Woman: Children of God, join me to thank God. You see this baby? The devil came in a big way during the delivery. The doctor came and said I will deliver through CS, but I said NO! I am a child of God, therefore, CS is not my portion. Prai……se the Lord!
Woman: So I kept on pushing and pushing and praying and before you knew it, I gave birth to this bouncing baby. I gave birth to the ‘Hebrew’ women. Praise the Lord!!!
Us: Hallelujah!!!!! (resounding hand claps follows)
Every time I heard such words, I died in my seat. I felt that I was less a woman and not even a child of God. See my dear, an ungrateful heart is poisonous. It can make you sad over another person’s joy. It’s more like witchcraft!
These thoughts began to affect me. That is why you shouldn’t be deceived by pictures people post on social media. The pictures I posted on facebook the first weeks/months after Kendrick was born were just a façade. Inside, I was a depressed and defeated woman who was only using fine pictures and smiles to deceive herself.
It got so bad that, when my mom would bring my son for me to breastfeed at night, I would look at him with so much anger. I would say in my heart, “I wonder if you brought me joy or pain”. I was as bitter as aloe vera gel mixed with grated bitter cola soaked in bitter leaf juice.
I started to experience persistent sadness, anxiety and severe mood swings. I lost appetite and so much weight. Those who saw the picture I uploaded on Facebook a week after I gave birth can attest to that. I’ll post that particular picture in the comments section for everyone to see. It’s the slimmest I have ever been in my entire young adult life, in fact, it was the bogus shape of the dress I wore in that picture that helped my condition.
My husband noticed, and he tried his best to encourage me but I couldn’t help the feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I was not a ‘Hebrew’ woman. I just could not be comforted.
This went on for months until something happened; something that revolutionized my whole life.
A single thought!
I remembered the doctor telling me after the surgery that I had a very tight cervix and that was why the oxytocin (hot drips) couldn’t do much. Some women are created like that.
Then I said to myself, “Priscilla, you have been an ungrateful fool!” My life would have ended on the 18th of August 2016 if not for C-Section. My bones would have been rotten in the grave by now. C-Section gave me a second chance to live and also gave me the precious privilege of being a mother.
This single thought kicked ingratitude a million miles away from my life. And then my entire life changed. See my friend, you can only be as good as your thoughts.
I went back to God, I apologized to him for my foolish behaviour, and we reconciled.
I did some other amazing things and applied some strategic measures and before long, I became a free woman. Depression became as far from me as the sky is from the ground.
C-Section is a blessing! If not for C-Section, you would have posted ‘RIP’ long ago on my timeline, and you wouldn’t be reading this story today.
I have written a book titled “C-Section Mom, Super Mom!” It launched this March 2018. I poured my all into writing that book.
C-SECTION MOM, SUPER MOM! Is a complete makeover for the C-Section Mom. The best gift you can give to any C-Section Mom you know is ‘C-Section mom, Super Mom!’ She would love and appreciate you for life.
You probably think you have read something great in these episodes, haha, you haven’t I tell you.
If you are a C-Section Mom or you want to make the best out of your seemingly negative experience, get a copy of my book. You will be glad you did. It will be one of your most worthwhile investments ever.
In the book, I practically show you how to maximize your C-Section experience, whether past, present or future, to your own advantage and live your best.
It is a good read, trust me.
Send me a DM now if you will need a copy of the book.
C-Section Mom, Super Mom! Is more than just a book, it is an experience.
Come for a good laugh in the next episode
The episode is party time. Come with your wine glass so we can toast to an Unhindered life.
After the reggae should come some blues, abi no be so?
Plus, you need to hear my MotherIn-law’s epic response when I summoned the courage and to tell her over the phone, “Mummy, I am pregnant..”
Stop trying to guess it, you can’t even imagine it
See you at the party tomorrow!
Venue: Episode 5
Dress code: Wear any shade of gratitude.
Send me a DM now if you need a copy of C-Section Mom, Super Mom!
Love, Hugs and Fried potato chips!
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Mail: [email protected]
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